Courting 101: Marry a Man You Respect

Courtesy of Kimber Lee Photography

While a woman is still commanded to obey her husband (within reason) regardless of how she feels, it makes it much, much harder if she struggles to respect the man she chooses to marry. If he is abusive, a tyrant, if he does not put in effort to speak her love language to make her feel treasured, if she perceives him as effeminate — all these things will make it that much harder on her to do her duty, and if she perceives any of these traits during courtship, she’d be wise to run because they will, more than likely, be magnified in marriage.

Indecisiveness

One of these traits I find essential for a man to have is decisiveness. I have found in my own personal experience, that I did not see its need so clearly during the courtship phase, but now that I am married, I am incredibly glad I married a decisive man who can make needed decisions for my family with a clear head even under pressure, quickly and efficiently, who doesn’t dilly-dally for ages, and whose decisions have so far always been for the good of our family even if they were hard decisions to make. Before I met my husband, I dated many indecisiveness men. They frustrated me even then and I did struggle for the most part to be patient with them as they tried to determine if they could see themselves marrying me (even after more than a year of dating), or even making things official in the dating sphere after months of knowing me. True, marriage is a huge commitment and you need to be sure before you make such a commitment, but it is not masculine to dilly dally unduly when a woman’s fertile years are at stake. I know many women who wasted years with men like that! And it was selfish of the man to waste her time like that. It’s all fine and dandy if nobody else is relying on your decision, but when people are relying on you to make a decision, a man really needs to be able to make such a decision as soon as is possible and reasonable.

You could even perceive this indecisiveness in other details of their life like with them trying to decide where to go out to eat or whether or not they should switch jobs. If the slightest pressure was put to them, they would freeze up and be unable to make any decisions whatsoever. While you should weigh pros and cons and you shouldn’t make decisions ruled by emotions, there are going to be times in marriage where a man needs to make decisions under pressure and fast. If he is not showing the ability to do so in the courtship then chances are the problem will only be magnified in the marriage. This is why so many women, even those who would’ve happily settled as a submissive housewife, find themselves wearing the pants in the household. They feel they have to because their husband cannot seem to make decisions for the family in a timely fashion. This is a problem and for most women will greatly decrease her respect for her husband.

Compared to other negative traits, this trait is not as serious and sometimes can come down to the man just lacking confidence or not truly knowing himself and what he wants yet, which is generally excusable in men who are younger and still finding themselves. In a man in his thirties though, this trait is less excusable, and, while it it is true some temperaments are slower at making decisions than others, a man really needs to work on overcoming that tendency before he seriously pursues marriage because, as the leader of his family, he needs to be prepared to make decisions sometimes on the spot, with heaps of pressure added, and still with a clear head.

Overly Emotional Tendencies

A man who is more emotional than the woman he is courting is another concern. I am not saying a man who is masculine can never cry because that’s not true since even Our Lord wept. Nor am I saying that he can never express disappointment, sadness, or frustration. But a man should be able to control his emotions. There are times in marriage where things are hard and if my husband did not repress his emotions, I would have had an even harder time rising above my own feelings of discouragement. Luckily, I am married to a man who, while sensitive and gentle (definitely not possessing a hard heart in the least), can rise above any negative feelings and be the support and rock I at times need.

The thing with emotions and why it is so important to have a man who is able to control his, is that people cannot usually make good decisions when clouded by emotions. As the leader of the family, it is important that he is able to rise above his feelings so that he can make clearheaded decisions as required. Also, as the rock, he needs to embody strength and security. Children, for instance, do not respond well when chaos ensues. Usually screaming at a child initiates a flight or fight response and they find themselves confused and unable to make good decisions. So, a father who is overly emotional can really disrupt the sense of peace and security in the home because, more than the woman, he is the protector of the family.

Women also struggle to respect a man who is more emotional than them; they also can feel more restless and less secure with such a man because he does not provide them with the stability they, who are by nature supposed to be the more emotional ones, need. Women are the heart of the home. Men are the head. If you have two hearts in a home, you do not have a proper body. You need the head to help stabilize and regulate things. This is why men who are prone to being overly emotional need to try and rise above such tendencies for the sake of their family. It is fine to cry once in a while, but there are times and places to cry. A man who cries at the birth of his child, who cries because he fears for his wife’s life or the life of a loved one in general, who cries at his wedding, or over some great injustice is natural. But a man shouldn’t cry in front of his wife and children over tiny little things, or at times when he needs to show a brave face so that he can help them rise above their own sadness.

Cowardice

There are many forms of cowardice I have spotted in men, one of them being what is termed by feminists these days as toxic masculinity. Such terminology is incorrect because there is nothing masculine about such qualities; those are qualities of brutes and cowards, not men. A man who is a tyrant and overly controlling is a man who is, in fact, effeminate. He feels inferior, therefore he feels the need to act the bully and control everyone around him because he, himself, likely feels out of control and suffers from severe self-esteem issues. No truly masculine man is going to get frazzled if someone dares challenge his authority because his sense of worth is not tied up with their submission. He may feel that a sense of injustice has been done and he should in most cases stand his ground, but a masculine man will not lower himself in such a way that he begins to belittle the person who defied them, name-call, or manipulate them. A masculine man may actually step back in some cases, consider his approach and what he is asking, and try and determine if he is, in fact, in the wrong because a truly masculine man is also humble.

These cowardly traits are traits that should send women packing immediately! You are setting yourself up for a terrible marriage if you settle for a man who will abuse you and your children, manipulate you, belittle you, or who shows you very little respect. A good head listens to the heart. Sometimes, he doesn’t obey the heart if the heart is asking something unreasonable, but he always listens and respects what the heart has to say. If a man is not proving a good listener in the courtship, chances are he certainly won’t listen to your input in the marriage. This also leads to women feeling unloved and having a harder time obeying their husbands and respecting his authority. So, if you spot these cowardice traits at all, run! A truly masculine man has no need for mind games and is not about to make you his puppet.

Selfishness

Above all, a woman needs to have her eyes peeled for a selfless man. A selfless man puts his family’s needs well above his own. He sacrifices for them and strives to love his wife as God commanded: as Christ loved his Church. He recognizes that part of his duty is to tend to his wife’s emotional needs, even if it means putting in extra effort in the marriage to keep the romance alive, to continue to court her, and to speak her love language even if he doesn’t understand it himself.

There is nothing worse than being married to a man who is selfish! A selfish man has no interest in self-improvement and will easily let his family fall by the wayside. It is also incredibly difficult for a woman to respect a man she deems selfish. Such a man will very likely harden and embitter her and will not in any way draw out that truly beautiful feminine side she holds.

Throughout courtship, you should be able to tell if a man is truly selfless or not. I know, for myself, I saw it clear as day pretty early on with my husband. I was, at the time, living in Australia on a working holiday visa. We met through a mutual friend I had known during my convent days and had been talking mostly via Skype and Wattsapp for about four/five months since he was residing in Canada. He had wanted to make the trip much sooner, but I kept holding him off. Finally, I agreed and he got to work saving up for the trip even though that meant working an extra day a week. On top of this, he would wake up at insane hours to talk to me even if it meant getting up at 3 am because our different schedules and the time difference.

After our engagement, which took place during his visit, I returned home to plan the wedding. He continued to impress me with his selflessness, saving up the little money he had to come out and see me almost every other weekend, an 8+ hour drive one way and, because of his schedule and also the traffic that could add hours to his trip, he basically only was able to spend a single day with me (half of Saturday and the morning of Sunday, when we'd attend Mass together). So, just for a day with me, he made that huge sacrifice almost every other weekend for the span of our engagement.

There is no surer way to tell you are with a selfish man when he refuses to put in such effort to see you, or when he insists you pay your way to see him if it’s a long distance relationship, or, in the case of a local courtship, when he insists you pay for your portion of the meal or for your movie ticket (as a lady you can offer, and he can accept your gesture, but he should really offer first and be prepared to pay). A man who lacks such common chivalry is more often than not, if not truly clueless on what it means to be a gentleman, is usually very selfish. If a man is not willing to meet your needs, so long as they are reasonable, in a courtship even if that means putting more time aside to spend with you or to call, if he’s going to complain over every little demand you make of him, then that is not the man you want to be married to.

If a woman wants an easier time performing her God-given duty of state as wife and mother, she would do well to choose a man who will actually help her achieve that goal, not a man who will at all prove a ball-and-chain or make it that much harder for her. She needs to keep her eyes peeled before marriage then for a man who truly embodies masculinity and is in no way effeminate as so many are nowadays.